Go Ask Alice

When experiencing extreme distress and trauma, Alice fixates on maggots and worms, which represent unwanted change. After Alice experiences severe bodily injury while on LSD, she’s forced into an institution and makes the comparison: “They tell me my worms aren’t real and yet they’re sending me to a place that’s worse than all the coffins and the worms put together. I don’t understand why this is happening to me” (148). Unable to accept the harsh reality into which she’s forced, Alice confuses her hallucinations about worms and maggots as real, representing her resistance to losing control of her body and life. She can’t claw her way out of the psychiatric institution like she attempted to do with her imagined creatures; she must face the reality of a strict authoritarian environment.

Alice first experiences intrusive thoughts about maggots and worms when her grandparents die, which is another unwanted change. After Gran dies suddenly in her sleep, Alice feels “so depressed all [she] can think about is worms eating [Gran’s] body. Empty eye sockets with whole colonies of writhing maggots. [She] can no longer eat” (133). Alice struggles to accept the idea of life without her grandmother, continuing to focus on her decaying body. Repulsed by her thoughts, Alice’s fixation on worms and maggots interferes with her ability to care for herself. To Alice, worms and maggots represent uncontrollable forces working against her, and death is the ultimate unwanted change.

Of the many arguments Alice engages in with her mother, her hairstyle most represents the generational divide between them. Feeling confident with her appearance after straightening her fair, Alice feels frustrated when “[m]om couldn’t stand it. [Alice] went downstairs to show her and she said [Alice] look[s] like a hippie and that she and Dad and [Alice] must have a little talk some evening” (44). Alice feels that her parents are belittling her when they try to dictate her appearance, friendships, and actions. She desperately wants to fit in with other kids who observe the style of their generation. Alice’s parents foolishly believe that kids who look well-groomed and clean-cut are safe and substance free. Alice’s parents encourage her to style her hair “in a flip like the kiddies, and they talked and talked and talked, but never once did they even hear one thing [Alice] was trying to say to them” (44). Alice becomes increasingly rebellious when her parents fail to connect or empathize while attempting to control her. In truth, Alice’s challenges with substance abuse have nothing to do with her appearance.

By the end of the diary, Alice’s parents evolve by listening to Alice when she speaks. They pay less attention to her appearance and style, especially when Alice severely injures herself. In the hospital, Alice notes, “[L]ittle fuzzy hair is beginning to grow on my bald patches. Mama brought some scissors and she and the nurse cut my hair really short, short, short. It’s almost like a shag cut” (146). This moment symbolizes a turning point in Alice’s relationship with her mother; the women communicate effectively and work together to fashion Alice’s hair into something presentable. Alice’s mother is less concerned about Alice fitting in with the popular kids and more about her safety and self-respect.

Often referring to her diary as her “dear friend,” Alice develops The Need for Connection and Empathy in Adolescence as a theme. The diary symbolizes companionship during challenging times and remains her one constant friend throughout her two-year coming-of-age journey. Feeling homesick in San Francisco, Alice writes, “I was even trying to pretend to myself that I wasn’t affected, but I guess to you dear Diary I can tell the truth. I’m lonely, I’m heartbroken, I hate this whole number and everything it stands for, I feel I’m wasting my life away” (73). Alice personifies her diary as a person with whom she can speak honestly. She admits that she attempts to hide her feelings from herself, emphasizing how she interprets her diary as a true confidante. In confiding her raw, honest emotions, Alice works through complex rational responses to traumatic situations. She faces her challenges straightforwardly, brainstorming solutions and giving herself advice.

In reality, her diary represents Alice herself, as she writes to herself, exploring her emotions and adding validity to her life experiences. She grows increasingly aware that she’s talking to herself as the diary progresses: “Anyway, Joel asked if I’d mind if he called me every night, and I didn’t tell him that I’d be waiting by the phone but I will be! But you knew that didn’t you?” (129). Although she continues to personify her diary, Alice points out its awareness of her emotions. She concludes her diary by placing significance on communicating and connecting with others. She dies not long after her last entry, symbolizing her inability to continue to write her life story. Still, her diary serves as a record of a beautiful and important life that the people she chronicled will miss.