Option B

Option B (2017), Sheryl Sandberg’s follow up to her successful first book, Lean In, explores grief and how we can train ourselves to be resilient, finding opportunities for growth as well as joy in the face of trauma.

Sandberg begins by briefly describing the loving relationship she and her husband, Dave Goldberg, enjoyed. Then she recounts a trip to Mexico to celebrate a friend’s birthday and finding Dave on the floor of the gym. After rushing him to the hospital, he was pronounced dead. Sandberg discusses the sense of overwhelming grief and how that grief made even the simplest and most common events difficult and seemingly impossible. She asserts that the world does not stop no matter what is going on in our lives; we must, therefore, have a strategy in place to deal with grief and unexpected tragedy. She had young children who still needed the one parent they had left, so she had to find a way to deal with her sorrow and move on.



 Sandberg describes the “three P’s” of trauma: Personalization, the sense that tragedy happened to us because of something we did or did not do—in other words, blaming ourselves; pervasiveness, the way grief infects every moment of our day and every activity we engage in; and persistence, the sense and belief that the grief will never go away. She then discusses how she experienced these “three P’s” and how she dealt with them, noting that people who avoid the “three P’s” entirely fare better when dealing with grief.

Sandberg discusses the “elephant in the room” and the “Mum Effect,” wherein people faced with someone else’s tragedy avoid the subject, not wanting to discuss death. This trapped her, making it impossible for her to discuss what she was feeling. Making the elephant visible is important. She eventually posted to Facebook, asking that people not ask her “How are you?” but rather “How are you today?” in order to acknowledge that dealing with grief is a back-and-forth, up-and-down experience. This post inspired others to come forward with their own stories of grief.

Sandberg addresses the hesitance so many people experience when trying to comfort the victims of tragedy, and the frustration those victims feel when constantly being asked permission. Instead, she advises us simply to do whatever we think is best. Even if it turns out to be the wrong thing, our actions will be appreciated. The worst thing we can do is hide from our loved one who is suffering because of perceived awkwardness.



Sandberg advises us to make a record of “wins,” no matter how small. Keeping track of small achievements or good things that happen in the midst of the worst time of our life will help us keep perspective and find some solace in the midst of misery.

Sandberg recounts the story of Tim Chambers, a painter who is nearly blind and deaf. He was raised to find humor and opportunity in his disadvantages. She relates how difficult it was to inform her children that their father had passed. She consulted psychiatrists and others to determine the best way to approach this with her kids, but their reactions were different than she had expected; instead of being devastated, they seemed to accept his death and move on. She considers how Chambers surprised people by treating his physical challenges with humor, and points out that different people deal with grief and tragedy in different ways, and that we need to find ways to turn our resilience into growth. Some people come back stronger after a terrible experience, so it is something that we can learn and train to do. Her final conclusion is that she needs to respect the unique needs and reactions of her children even when they surprise or even shock her.

Sandberg references the famous experience of the rugby team whose plane crashed in the Andes Mountains in the 1970s. They survived by relying on each other. Surviving and healing from grief, she says, are similarly dependent on the community around us. If we build a strong team of friends and loved ones around us, we are building resilience that will help us survive tragedy.



Sandberg explores the way we learn from failure—in fact, we learn more from failure than we ever do from success. Success often blinds us to the flaws in our thinking and our actions, whereas failure forces us to examine them, figuring out ways to solve them.

Sandberg ends the book by exploring the tendency people in grief have to reject happiness and healing. For some, it is a form of self-punishment, as if being happy again would somehow betray the memory of the person we lost or render our grief non-serious or unearned, but this is an unhealthy way to approach grief. She advises that we must remain open to happiness and to appreciate the moments of peace and joy that come our way in the wake of a tragedy.

Finally, Sandberg asserts that moving on and resuming our life does not mean we are forgetting or dishonoring the memory of our lost loved one—it means we are allowing ourselves to move forward, which is what our loved one would want.