The Courage to Be Disliked

The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness (2013) is a personal development book by Ichiro Kishimi. Recently translated into English for the first time, the book encourages us to stop worrying about what other people think of us, embracing and liberating our true selves. Based on the teachings of the nineteenth-century psychologist, Alfred Adler, the book is widely popular for its accessible content. Kishimi teaches educational and clinical psychology at Meiji School of Oriental Medicine, Osaka, and he has his own counseling office in Kyoto.

The Courage to Be Disliked centers on a simple principle—we each have the power inside ourselves to find happiness. There is no complicated formula for happiness; it is accessible to everyone. If we embrace change and stop caring about how we are perceived, we stop placing limits upon ourselves, and we stop letting other people decide who we should be. By accepting our true nature, we accept happiness in our lives.

The narrative structure of The Courage to Be Disliked is somewhat unusual. Kishimi uses the teachings of renowned psychiatrist and philosopher, Alfred Adler, to generate conversations between a young man and a fictional philosopher, or teacher. The conversations move between numerous topics, but they all circle back to the idea that it is on us to choose happiness for ourselves.



We are all guilty of making excuses for why we are unhappy. We find people or situations to blame our moods on. This holds us back from true fulfillment. It takes courage to see that these excuses are of our own making and that we can let them go. Letting go of these excuses is an important step toward finding happiness. Letting go comes down to cause and effect.

Typically, we think to ourselves that because something happened in our past, we behave or feel a certain way now. This is false. We have the power to think that we are a certain way because we do not want to deal with this past situation. For example, recognizing that we are shy can be an excuse to avoid uncomfortable situations. Instead, we should confront those situations and any past situations that could explain our shyness.

Kishimi suggests that we generally look at our weaknesses, or supposed weaknesses, all wrong. Instead of looking at these flaws as opportunities to grow and develop, we rely on them as crutches. This makes it easy to blame other people and situations for our perpetual unhappiness or discontentedness. Our focus should be on growth and bettering ourselves, and then, accepting failures or disappointments as learning opportunities.



Through the fictitious conversations, Kishimi examines what it means to be accepted or rejected by others around us. We cannot make someone like us, just as we cannot make someone do anything else in life. For example, we can make a child go to school, but we cannot make them do well there. We can give someone opportunities, but we cannot make them seize them. This is not our problem. It is theirs.

Similarly, it is not our problem if someone does not like us. We can put ourselves out there, but we cannot make people respond positively. We can hope for someone to like us, but it is their responsibility whether they do or do not. Just as it is up to the child to study, it is up to us to live our own lives and for someone else to live theirs. One person’s reality is subjective—being disliked by someone, or misunderstood, is no fault of ours.

This also works the other way. We should not judge other people. Their life is theirs to live, and they do not owe us anything. It is not their responsibility to ensure that we like them. It is important to remember this if we want to accept ourselves—other people should not have to apologize for themselves, either.



Kishimi is aware that most people are not extraordinary. This is okay. Unlike many self-help books, Kishimi wanted to write a book that reminds people that it is okay to be ordinary or to just be themselves. People want to be special, or they strive for recognition, because they cannot accept their normal selves. Accepting who we are, and how typical we are, is a step toward creating our own happiness instead of seeking external validation.

Just because we are normal does not mean we are incapable. This is an important point that Kishimi makes. We can accept our limitations without feeling unworthy or less valuable than someone whom society deems “special.” Again, society’s opinion is a point of view and nothing more.

Most importantly, everyone is created equal. While we might admire people, we should not act differently around them. We should see every possible relationship—be it friends, family, career, or otherwise—as an opportunity to meet our equal. Similarly, we should not look down on people or treat them as lesser beings. No one should apologize for who they are.